The Essentials
Living in a world that includes other people is challenging. Because we are all complex human beings, it is impossible to define a set protocol, formula or blueprint to work from. For most relationships, you can utilize these three essential elements: reciprocity of effort, reliability of commitment and respect for values as a baseline for determining success. These are the basic behaviors - essentially just plain good manners, for any relationship to feel healthy, meaningful and emotionally fulfilling. While it will not solve every dilemma in dealing with others, it is a good place to start.
Reciprocity, Reliability, Respect
Reciprocity of Effort
Respect for Values
Reciprocity of Effort
There is one word which may serve as a rule of practice for all one's life -reciprocity.
–Confucius
Reciprocity of effort means that equivalent energy is being put forth to initiate and maintain a relationship. This does not mean the receiving party must reciprocate immediately or in kind - just that overall, over time, a healthy relationship is based on giving and receiving and the relationship is balanced. An unevenness in reciprocity indicates there is an imbalance of power. If we find ourselves in a situation with repeated unreciprocated patterns of interacting, we can become resentful, hurt, angry and depressed. This can lead to underlying physical and mental health issues and/or the failure of the relationship. Reciprocity matters!
Reliability of Commitment
Respect for Values
Reciprocity of Effort
Trust should be guarded to the end: without trust we cannot stand –Confucius
Reliability of commitment begs the questions: Can I trust you? Can I count on you? Do you do what you say you will do and when you say you will do it? – Do you walk the walk, talk the talk, do as you say and say as you do? You get the idea. Without reliability, trust and predictability, our world lacks certainty. The ground feels shaky. We can become anxious. Reliability, trust and predictability appeal to our basic sense of safety and security. If you find yourself in a situation that feels uncertain, inconsistent and precarious, it is time to step back and reevaluate. Reliability matters!
Respect for Values
Respect for Values
Respect for Values
Respect yourself and others will respect you. –Confucius
Respect means non-violation. It means being seen and feeling heard. It means you are aware of the differences and choose to “live and let live” as best you can. Respect does not mean agreement or compliance. It does not mean being liked or liking the other. It means being respected for who you are. This includes respect for who you love, what you believe. what you do, your boundaries, your time. Will you treat me with dignity? Respect matters!